l o v e and the effort it INFERS
by xx. SilverTongue .xx
Summary: tonks has been having trouble sleeping, between nightmares and worries for her werewolf love remus lupin. an impromptu visit from the previously mentioned marauder has some interesting results. au: neville is the boy who lived.


authorsnote: okay, so this opening bit was actually the first two of my posts as tonks on the lovely au rpg,

nowhere's home. my roleplaying partner had to give up her characters as she became too busy, but i liked

the thread (even though it was just three posts in) so much that i've decided to make a fanfic out of it! so,

just to give you the quick overview, this is an AU story set in a universe where harry is not the boy who lived,

lily and james did not die, and sirius was never convicted of murdering Peter Pettigrew. instead, neville long

bottom is the choosen one. anyway, hope you enjoy

"Tibby, I swear, I'm going to feed you to Padfoot. Just leave me alone." Nymphadora Tonks tucked her feet beneath her as her cat continued his enthusiastic attack of them. Putting her paperwork beside her with a sigh, the young woman rubbed her eyes and removed her cat from the bed, placing him on the floor. Sighing, Tonks replaced the stack of paper on her lap, shuffling tiredly through it. Paperwork wasn't her favorite thing, but lately the young woman had been resorting to it in order to keep herself from falling into her nightmarish sleep. Mad-eye had been surprised when she asked if there was anything she could do in the area of paperwork, and even more surprised when she had actually taken it and gotten it done-- she had a well know dislike for anything that didn't have to do with actually capturing dark wizards.

Said wizard is claimed to have....claimed to have... The young woman suddenly realized that she was reading the same sentence repeatedly and groaned. The kitten took that moment to leap back onto the bed and settle himself in her lap, on top of the paperwork there. "Oh, bugger off cat," she muttered, scratching him behind the ears despite her grumbling. With another sigh, Tonks removed both cat and paperwork yet again from her lap and stood, stretching and yawning. Had anyone been there to look, they would have seen as Tonks stretched that she was thinner than she once had been and certainly paler than usual, with new shadows in her eyes and a deep weariness that gave her an over-all unhealthy look. Padding across the small room to her even smaller kitchen, the auror set about making herself some coffee, her solution to the many poor nights' sleep she'd had recently. Tonks had been telling herself repeatedly that she should do as her cousin said, that she should get some help, find some way to get rid of the nightmares that plagued her and made it impossible for her to sleep soundly. The terrible dreams that woke her screaming and frightened her to the point where she hated to fall asleep, making her ill with terror. She shouldn't allow them to run her life, she knew, but she couldn't seem to find the time to do something about it. Or was it that she refused to find the time. Because if Tonks was honest, she didn't want to admit that she needed help. She hated the idea that she couldn't deal with this herself, and she was therefore putting it off. And paying the price for it.

Pouring her coffee, the young woman leaned against the counter, wrapping her hands around the hot mug with a sigh. Taking a long sip and scalding her tongue in the process,  
Tonks closed her eyes, trying to thick clearly despite her sleep-deprived brain. Tibby chose that moment to resume his attack on the woman's bare feet. Tonks' eyes opened with a start and she swore, glaring down at the cat. Taking another, more careful sip of her coffee,she bent down picking up the small cat to nestle him in her arms. "What m'I going t'do, Tibs," Tonks whispered, scratching the grey cat once again behind the ears, "I can't do this..." The cat yowled, butting his head against her fingers before taking a graceful leap to the ground. Shaking her head, Tonks wandered into the bathroom, briefly contemplating making preparations to go to bed. She shuddered at the thought, and chose instead to take a shower in an attempt to clear her head.  
Even standing beneath the stream of scalding hot water (if there was one good thing was to be said about her apartment, it was that the water was always hot) Tonks' head didn't seem to clear. Having stood there for a good twenty minutes, Tonks came to the conclusion that this was not helping and finally dragged herself out. Wrapping her small body in a towel, Tonks took a seat on the edge of the bath, staring at her water-wrinkled toes in disgust. She was a Merlin damned mess.

Hot showers and coffee seemed to have become Dora's lifeline of choice recently. Hot water was helpful in clearing her head, coffee in keeping her alert enough to do her job with minimal damage, though sleep deprivation did nothing for her already poor balance. Thankfully, her co-workers had yet to comment on her poor state of health, though many had picked up on it. Sirius was the one exception. Being her cousin, he did not hesitate to bother her about her...illness. He had taken to pestering her about seeing a healer, but honestly, what were they going to do? What was she supposed to say, that she was afraid of the dark and the personal monsters lurking there? That wasn't exactly curable, Tonks thought, with the wave of a wand and a few potions.

And then there was Remus. What she was going to do with that man she wasn't sure, but she sometimes wondered how it was possible to love someone so much even while being completely and totally furious with them. She hated him, on occasion for being gone. For endangering himself and then brushing it off as nothing, as though his being injured was nothing. As though his feelings of loosing his humanity were inconsequential. And she hated what it did to him, being with the...less humane of his kind Remus was one of the few, the so very few, that attempted to get along with society despite it's bias. When he returned from a full moon with such brutes as Fenrir Greyback, Remus was at his worst. He couldn't stand himself at those times and those were the moments the frightened Tonks the most, the ones where he threatened to pull away from her, to distance himself again.

Still perched on the edge of the tub, Tonks wriggled her toes and ran her fingers through her lank black hair, letting out another sigh that ruffled the wisps of hair falling across her thin face. Glaring at Tibby as he entered, having batted the door open (it was time to fix the latch), Tonks stood, dripping on the floor as she leaned tiredly against the sink, glaring at herself in the mirror. Touching one shadowy circle beneath her eye, the auror grimaced and turned away, letting the towel drop to look distastefully down at her body. Though the young woman could change her appearance at will, she most often left her body to it's natural appearances, partially because she quite liked the look of her own body, with the exception of her height, smooth curves and well muscled limbs included. Part of her reason, however, was simply that it took too much energy to change her height and weight to do it every day. Certainly she changed her height when it was required for a mission, but generally she stuck to the height she had been given, preferring to be short over having a dull, constant headache. Looking at her body now, it was easy to see that she was less than healthy looking. Her pale stomach was normally flat and well-toned from hard work as an auror; she had not lost the hard-earned muscle there, but what little fat had been concealed there before was now burned away, leaving her rail thin and gaunt, nightmares stripping her of the desire to eat and continued hard work draining her of extra energy. Her flat stomach no longer held the look of a healthy, vibrant young woman in the prime of her youth, but instead looked sickly, the pale and taught skin of her stomach dulled and unhealthy. Shuddering unhappily, Tonks pulled on a pair of sweats and a clean tank top before reclaiming the towel, which Tibby had already started an attack on. Toweling her hair lightly, the metamorphmagus was interrupted by a yawn. Wrinkling her nose and avoiding a wild lunge by the cat, Tonks picked up a hair brush, running it quickly through her chin length hair.

About to give up and continue with the going-to-bed motions of brushing her teeth, the woman was interrupted by a polite rap on her door. Blinking, Tonks frowned, wondering absently who would be visiting at this time as she called out, "Just a moment" Padding out of the bathroom, she kicked into her slippers as she passed and headed for the door, making a momentary detour in order to collect her wand. It seemed unlikely that it was someone intending her harm, as he dark wizard wards should have gone off, but it never hurt to be careful. Particularly when it was quite possible that the visitor was her cousin, in which case it was good for him to know she was being careful. Tapping the door lightly with her wand to disarm her many protections, she gripped the knob and tugged it open (it was a tricky door and opened only with a sharp tug, her wand raised. Looking up into the face of her visitor, it took her a moment to process that the raised wand was completely unnecessary-- it was Remus. "Oh," she said dumbly. Then, "Remus!" And with that she threw her arms around him, standing on her toes in order to bury her pale face against his neck with a strangled laugh. He was here and he was fine and she didn't have to worry for just a few moments. "Merlin, I'm so glad to see you."


End file.
